How To Love Your Teenager — Lesson 1

I’ve been working with teenagers for about 26 years. 

AND if there is one thing I know, it is how to love teenagers. 

I’ve been a parent of a teenager for 13 years and if there is one thing I learned,

it was how to love MY teenagers.

I was a youth pastor for nearly 10 years and trust me, I was an expert at loving teenagers…

Until I became a parent. It is one thing to care for the spiritual guidance of teenagers for a few hours a week as a youth pastor and quite another when they live in your home.

I’ve worked with teenagers in more ways than I can count, but I think I learned the most about how to love teenagers by actually being one!

The problem we sometimes have as adults, and particularly as parents, we forget what it was like to be a teenager—to be constantly in transition, to love our days of childhood, but can’t wait to become adults ourselves, to have a genuine excitement about the future and to know that we have so many opportunities in front of us. 

And yet, much of the joy of being a teenager was to live life for today! To really be present, in the moment and enjoying each day for what it has. I still remember as a senior in high school, preparing to graduate and looking at what my future might hold, I thought, “I’m going to miss high school so much! I’m never going to get another chance to live life so free without responsibility!”

These were the thoughts of a young man who played three sports every year, worked 20-30 hours a week and took at least a couple of college-prep classes while buying my own car, paying for my own gas, and buying my own school clothes.

For the next few blog posts, I’m going to remember what it was like to be a teenager and use those thoughts to remind us all HOW TO LOVE YOUR TEENAGER!

Sure, things have changed. Times are not the same. But, some things are ageless. 

Coming of age. On the cusp. Ready for the world. Teenagers go through many of the same experiences and need many of the same things no matter what social world they find themselves. 

Lesson 1: How to Love Your Teenager

Listen.

One aspect of teenage life is they are learning who they are, they are developing their identity, they are becoming adults. They are no longer small versions of their parents, but are learning to think on their own. They are deciding for themselves what they accept from the adults in their lives and what they refuse to accept. 

Therefore, teenagers need space to work these things out, to process on their own. So, it seems, and sounds like they just need space, which they do and we will discuss later, but they need adults (especially PARENTS) who will listen to them without judgment and without a critical mind. 

Teenagers work through how they see the world and what they think and feel about it through their words. They want to talk, but they only want to talk when they won’t feel judged or criticized.

This can be such a fine line for a parent, coach, or teacher whose job it is to provide guidance. When young people share ideas or thoughts that don’t align with their wisdom or reality as the adult knows it, our tendency is to quickly clap back, to set them straight. Yet, what they truly need is someone to listen and allow them to process as they talk.

Listening also builds relationship. Teenagers love to express themselves. But, if they feel put down, they will quickly shut down. As you listen to them, you will find out things about them you never knew. Ask questions! Get to know them as if they were strangers, more than likely they will be if you remember them just a few years ago when they were ten. They change so quickly!

Listening well, without judgment, helps them feel accepted. Teenagers need acceptance. We all need acceptance! Listening well gives them a safe space to belong. It helps them know that they are loved no matter what. Who doesn’t need that?!?

Right now, you may be thinking that listening is an obvious way to love your teenager. You may think you are doing a great job at it. But, here’s one sure fire way to know if you are actually doing a good job. Does your teenager love to talk around, with or to you??? Or are they in a hurry to head off with their friends constantly? 

Oh, I know they are social creatures and they love to be with kids their own age that they share many things in common with, but the reality is they also LOVE to talk to ADULTS that will listen to them. Are you one of those?

If not, now is a great time to be one. Start by listening. And asking questions. Fun questions. Without judgment or criticism. Give it a try. 

It can also sound easier than it is to practice! 

What are your thoughts about this? Challenges? Failures? Successes?

Palm Sunday—Hitting Hard

This morning as I meditated on the story of Jesus entering Jerusalem for Passover (what we affectionately call Palm Sunday), I read a line that I am sure I’ve skimmed many times. Jesus was having a conversation with the crowd who is enthralled and curious and hopeful that he might be The Messiah—their Savior. 

He had recently raised Lazarus from the dead. Lazarus was quite literally dead for several days. Some thought he may have just been asleep, but others knew he had, without a doubt, been dead as he was actually buried in a tomb. 

Lazarus was Jesus’ friend and his family loved Jesus. They knew who he was. They believed. But, the crowd was trying to decide for themselves and as Jesus entered the area, they were asking questions and listening to what Jesus had to say. Yet, most of them did not want to believe despite the amazing miracles Jesus had performed.

There was a group, however, that actually did believe for the first time. They were Jewish leaders. (shocked eyes) These religious leaders actually were actually believing in Jesus. 

But, they did not want to admit it. They did not want to reveal themselves. They were afraid of what other Jewish leaders (Pharisees) would do to them and their positions of leadership. They could be excommunicated. They could be dismissed. They could be cast out. They could be brought down, lowly and despised.

Their positions of leadership meant more to them than following Jesus. 

The Living Bible says, “they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.” John 12:43

I think it’s easy to judge them, to mock them, to dismiss those religious leaders. Neh! Why would you care more about the Pharisees than you did Jesus?!? That’s stupid. After all, that’s how I’ve read this scripture so many times.

Until this morning when I realized that was me.

I love the praise of men more than I do the praise of God.

Lord, forgive me. I’m sorry. Help me to change.

For so long, I’ve wanted out of a situation in my life where I do not feel respected. I do not feel valued. I do not feel appreciated. (no, it’s not my marriage 🙂 that woman deeply respects, loves, and appreciates me) And I have wanted out, despite what I thought God wanted. I have basically not cared what God’s opinion was, I just wanted out.

In many ways, I know that God has been using me in that situation. I know that I am a light unto the world as He shines through me. Yet, I have not always acted like it. I have not always been the best example, the best witness. But, the reality is I just wanted out and I’ve been asking God to show me the way. 

This morning, this phrase about these Jewish leaders that I’ve commonly dismissed (because they weren’t disciples of Jesus), “they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God” became very real to me. 

I began to look back at my life and realize how many times that has been true. Where I was more interested in what people thought of me than I was what God thought of me. I wish I could only care what God thinks of me. I repent and I ask that God helps me to think his way, that he enables and empowers me to only care about his thoughts of me.

I know, part of this is simply being human. We all want to be loved, to be appreciated, to be valued and respected. This is how we are designed. This is a part of our humanity. 

BUT, what do I want more? And when I realize the conflict between pleasing God and pleasing man, what do I choose? 

Lord, today, help me to choose you. Help me to care more about what you think than what others think about me. Help me to be your light in the darkness. Help me to exemplify you above all others. Help me to choose you and not be afraid of what others think.

How about you? Do you struggle with this? What scriptures have you read before, completely glossed over, but later hit you like a ton of bricks? Where do you need to grow today?