Who Does a Pastor Talk to When the Pastor Needs to Talk?

Ministry is no doubt a difficult and enormously challenging task. 

42% of pastors consider quitting the ministry due to stress. 70% lack close friendships. 80% feel their ministry negatively affects their family. 

These percentages and realities are a bit overwhelming just pondering them theoretically. 

How much more when you’ve lived them?!

I served as a youth pastor for more than ten years. During my joys and tribulations of that experience, my own daughters experienced a bit of fairly positive experiences and benefits from becoming the youth group mascots by going on some pretty fun, and blessed trips and events. They also flourished in the positive attention of both the church community and younger, exciting crowd of teenagers, particularly the girls we’ve mentored through the years, not to mention extra time with their Ninny (grandmother) who was also my number one supporter and volunteer of said, youth group.

Yet, the years that followed were a bit more difficult. When I left youth ministry to pursue a “calling” to church plant a house church network, they lost much of their event driven experiences, their celebrity status in our local church community and their roles as youth group mascots, particularly at a time when the oldest was about to enter the group as an actual member. 

While we did our best to maintain the most positive connections since we remained local, we also were very intentional about creating separation from the prior church community to not appear like we were trying to siphon people or support from the church members where we served for over ten years. Church planting in total only took the next three years to fully “fail” at.

Our church lives never looked the same after that (some for good, some not so). My “Christian” life never looked the same after that. My friendships never looked the same after that. This all being true and overly challenging despite the lack of any particular moral failure within ministry. Oh, I was far from perfect, yet thankfully I hadn’t fallen to any particular disqualifying sin.

So, who does a pastor talk to when they need to talk to someone?

At times, I found great connection and support from an “accountability/prayer” partner of another man, close to my age. Sometimes I knew them through my church, sometimes from the local community. At times, I found it in my very supportive lead pastor, though I was sure I could not bear my whole soul. At times, of course, my wife was helpful, yet I’m sure at the expense of her own solidarity. And, lastly, sometimes I found it in my youth ministry network of other youth leaders I knew both locally and within our denomination. 

From time to time, I also spoke to a Christian counselor, though that was really a mixed bag (I mean that both literally and figuratively). And, honestly, I’m not so sure they were the right type of person outside of my normal circle to support me. 

I think many pastors today would say, when things are going well, at least, they have the support they need within their local church community, personal family and ministry friends. Yet, the problem comes when things are not going well. 

Who do they talk to in those circles when they…

• keep hitting their head against the same church walls (ie, board members)
• find themselves falling short on their ministry skills (ie musically talented to lead worship, but no one shows up for practice)
• church attendance keeps going down despite all efforts for outreach into the community (ie, the pastor feels like a failure and is discouraged). 

Who provides the encouragement they need, the listening ear, and the ability to gather oneself for their next steps? 

Who provides the honest feedback, the options for growth and the ability to see the trees through the forest? 

Unfortunately, the answer to that is way too often, no one. You may be thinking, if only they had a better relationship with Jesus, God can help them! Well, yes, I certainly hope so, for God can be and is our rock and our shield. But, let’s strip down the religious talk for a moment and get real. God does many things, miracles even, all on his own, but he also chooses to use people for His greatest purposes too. 

If you find yourself, in a particularly challenging time of ministry and/or Christian life, I encourage you to not give up! Not yet, anyway. (Sometimes you gotta kick the dust off your feet.) 

Look far and wide for the right people to support you in the right ways. Your circles are bigger than you realize and someone is likely waiting in the wings to love you in ways you didn’t, you can’t imagine right now. God has someone prepared to meet you at your greatest need. 

Start by praying and asking God to reveal them to you or bring them in your pathway. Then, keep your mind and your heart open to see who God reveals. Lastly, look outside your circle. 

This last one is where I, or someone like me, can come in. After spending ten plus years in full time ministry, ten plus years as a counselor and more than thirty years now following Jesus, my heart aches for those ministry leaders who are going through a difficult time. And nothing would bless me more than being able to help you as a friend, in your time of need. 

I would love to be an attentive ear, a sounding board and/or someone to help you determine the best path forward. Book a session here and be sure to indicate a location in Wilmington or virtual meeting/phone call.

If this is not you, but you know someone that could use this article, please share!